Double-O is the comedy-spoof story, by Feeney Madden, about London's Special Agents team. Each story should appear in the next edition of London's Its Pop! magazine, but you can see the stories in advance here.
Each New Episode will be added to this page, each link will expand to show that story.
Episode 1 - Lace Garters.
It was a dark and cold night in London, when Agent GE picked up the trails of a known criminal. Leading him to the travel path to New York, the notorious vandal, Charlie Rook, slipped from his grasps.
“Bar Steward” he exclaimed.
He had been tracking her since the raunchy red light district club of Bubba’s Booby Bar and was desperate to get her in his handcuffs.
‘Beep Beep, Beep Beep’. Agent GE whipped out his digital global communications watch and called Agent FE, who conveniently was sitting in a bush at Central Park on a stealthy mission.
“This is Agent FE” he whispered,
“This is Agent GE, what’s your status” replied Agent GE,
“Sitting in a thorn bush watching a debt crook passing brown packages to an unknown source”
“Good” said Agent GE “I have a vandal on your way, London to New York, can you handle it?”
“Yea, I got it” Agent FE said proudly “send me the image, crap, he’s making a move”
Agent FE shot up out of the bush, looking like a porcupine, made a dash for his criminal. Grabbing him round the ankle, he tackled the dodgy dealer to the floor like a star at the Super Bowl. Taking out his arresting transponder, the debtee was beamed to the local jail pending trial. Another job done.
‘Beep Beep, Beep Beep’ went his watch, just as the digital image of Charlie Crook arrived. “Your next!”
Meanwhile, in Budapest, the rampant polygamist Agent JA was on the trails of another Vandal, a more compulsive repetitive offender, Randy Hole. Agent JA had been tracking this worm in between arranging one of several marriages around the globe, and was able to use her seductive skills to narrow him down to a quiet neighbourhood on the outskirts of the city.
In the early morning, dressed in her finest wedding outfit, Agent JA perched herself on a stool at a government owned house overlooking the main road, awaiting her target.
The room was musty, it was quiet, and Agent JA was trying to secure a lace garter when a flock of crows suddenly took flight from behind a van across the street. Then, in the corner of her eye, she saw a silhouette shuffle along the side of the van. “Mother F—!” she huffed “That git’s trying to take that van, now your mine” and in one swift, sharp move, she smashed the window and jumped 3 floors to the front yard.
She performed a tactically trained forward role, bunny hop over a dog sniffing yesterdays lunch, side role to avoid the sprinkler, back flip to take out the arrest transponder, and flick of the head to clear her hair to see where she was.
The stealthy Vandal looked in awe, jaw drooping as he had never seen anything like it before. Then reality hit.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”, Randy screamed like a little girl, feet firmly planted on the floor.
“Your hitched” Agent JA proclaimed,
“I object” Randy replied, as he turned around and started to run.
“Why do they always run when I’m in my wedding gown?” Agent JA asked herself.
The chase was on!
Like a Laurel and Hardy comedy show, Criminal and Agent went for a run, around the houses, around the trees, around the animals, around the vehicles, over fences, over animals, over the vehicles, until finally, Agent JA took her most favoured weapon. The lace garter she had been preparing that very morning.
She stops, feet planted. She checks the wind, and cracks her neck. She lifts up her veil and pulls the garter back, closes one eye and takes aim. Randy carried on running down the road into the horizon, only glancing back to see the lace garter smash him straight in the face, knocking him to the floor.
‘Beep Beep, Beep Beep’, Agent JA’s highly delicate watch had an incoming message,
“This is Agent JA…….Ah, my love, how are you? ….. what? …… really? ….. tell me more….”
To be continued…
[Disclaimer: Criminal names have been replaced to protect their identities. No animals were harmed in the writing of this story, however Agent JA did sprain her wrist]
Episode 2 - Mile High Club
Previously on Double-O, Agent FE lived life as a porcupine, Agent JA did acrobats in her wedding gown, and no animals were hurt during stunt choreography.
“Yes” Said T, “I don’t know what happened exactly but all of a sudden, I got this tingly feeling..”
“Kinky” proclaimed Agent JA.
T giggled, “Seriously - I knew something was wrong, and then a fax reached my office, that wicked villain was back in town”
“What? Mr Agent JA, the..”
“No! Debt. They are Back!!!!” T said quietly.
That evening T sat in her secret office, secretly hidden under the London Garbage Dump, waiting patiently for her state-of-the-art, highly expensive, multi-functional computer, ‘Justice XP’.
“Stupid Microsoft” T huffed while checking her watch, “It’s taken 5 minutes to load”
The screen faded from black to blue as the faces of all the agents appeared on her screen. It was time for a crisis meeting!
Everyone was present, except for Agent EC, who placed a small raccoon teddy bear in front of the camera.
“Where the hell is that rodent?” T queried.
Agent EC was flying over the pacific, in a private jet. The drapes were closed, the pilot was having a break and the back of the plane was squeaking. There were thumps, bangs, and groaning; the sounds of plates and cutlery smashing on the floor. Air hostesses looked at each other slightly flushed and embarrassed at all the commotion.
Then suddenly, the doors to the private kitchen swung open, and Agent EC emerged, red faced, sweat dropping from her face, hair all misplaced, blouse slightly torn, breathing heavily. She had her arms behind her back as she stumbled forwards.
“The next time you resist arrest Mr Nal” Panted Agent EC “I am going to throw you off this plane without a parachute”.
Christian Nal was being dragged, by his handcuffed arms, to the front of the plane, ready for jail. Another criminal captured, another Special Agent joined the Mile High Club!
Meanwhile, back at the Dump, T was briefing the agents on the recent outbreak of Debt.
“It’s getting out of hand team, just when we thought it was under control, Debt comes back thrice as hard”
“How are we going to handle this best?” quizzed the new Chief of Police, Mrs B.
“Well,” T thought carefully, “We will assess our data, compare our intelligence, and attack multiple countries at once for world spread arrests, catch Debt with their pants down!”
All agents nodded in approval, the raccoon squeaked.
Watches were synchronized, Data was encrypted to each agent, and they all went on their way for a clean sweep. All except Agent EC, who sat on the plane, looking rather pleased with herself.
[Disclaimer: Criminal names have been replaced to protect their identities. The Raccoon received his royalties, and the Mile High Club isn’t achieved this way. You need to get laid!]
